There's something in my Saturn Return.

On the start, the end and the messy middles.

This might be a bit premature but I feel like my Saturn Return (so far) has been a tad anticlimactic. True, it has been filled with drama and life changing events but isn’t that just life? I was promised revelations, fireworks and deep personal understanding and even though I guess that’s exactly what I got I feel like it’s still muddy waters over here.

I spent a lot of my childhood asking the adults around me “and what happens now?” as whatever film was playing on tv rolled on, usually being hushed and occasionally being told how annoying I was. I guess I like the comfort of knowing someone else knows whats up and being able to enjoy the middle as it happens. Of course this only really applies to my tv watching habits. I tend to be very stubborn, bossy and not let anyone tell me what to do in the rest of my life (also mostly to everyone else’s annoyance).

I realise a lot of my substacks are about tv and I guess this one is no different. On rotation right now are Lost and Jurassic Park - because I feel very strongly that they belong in the same Christmas universe. I love watching heads being torn off by paper mache cgi monsters while someone squirts ketchup everywhere, each actor acting out as if in a completely different film to their co-star. That is life. And maybe that’s why I like December so much. You get to enjoy a cold crisp morning whilst knowing the middle happened as if it were a fever dream and despite it all you got through it.

In many ways this is exactly how this year felt.

In typical me fashion though, just when I thought I was out they pulled me back in! I finished my next mixtape a couple of weeks ago, just in time for the holidays, or so I thought… and then I hit a rut. It’s a bad combination of the planets and the stubbornness I was talking about and you can probably add some haunted desert islands to that too. But if I’m totally honest this is a new kind of monster. I think I’m dealing with a bad case of career jealousy (I know, I know, that’s very uncool) and not feeling good enough and I’ve been letting it all get in the way of the music and if I’m honest it’s all really frustrating. What is one supposed to do when working on it doesn’t work? So we switched it up to get re-inspired, swapped out logic and dinosaurs for some football and to everyone’s surprise I think it worked.

Let me tell you about football. I am not a football girly. I was too scared of being hit by the ball to make the team in school and so I never really learned the rules of the game. My dad loves football though so the sound of a match on in the background has always been comforting. But this game was different. My hometown played hubby’s favourite team so how could we pass up the chance to watch a once in a lifetime game - specially when my team is honestly not very good and his is the best in the league right now.

The middle of a football game goes so much quicker in person than it does on tv. The cheering, community and hot dogs made me want it to last forever. Because yes, watching athletes at their peak is incredible but getting to do that while a grumpy old man narrates the game to his grandkids and a little girl sings the anthem and everyone is mad at the same ref at the same time just hits different. So I guess it all really does just come down to people and because this is a Christmas newsletter, it all comes down to giving thanks to the people who made my year as good as it was.

Also felt this confused for a lot of the year.

I’ve talked a lot about my anxiety and the hard bits but let me assure you that, definitely despite it all, this has been one of the most inspiring years of my life and I can’t wait for what’s to come. I hope that you are also surrounded by people who make your ruts feel less rotten and lift you up the way my community has lifted me. I hope you feel safe and loved.

In honour of life, here is a list - a gift from me to you (in the form of links and playlists) filled to the brim of the people I love and am loved by.

Firstly substacks - because wow my whole family is on here so you may as well get to know. Please meet my mum, my dad, and my brilliant brother.

+ my favourite new substack of this year from Miriam Valencia (her book is also a great gift).

If you want beautiful flower content to inspire you and make you happy you should check out my sister’s business Cinque Fiori.

Hunny’s debut album is coming out very soon so make sure you are following him for that: SALPA.

For some more inspiring artwork please take a look at my mother in law Emma Ronay.

Three of my favourite people ever sung with me on my next release, you can pre-save that here: PRE-SAVE Cucurucucu, Paloma

And finally a playlist of musicians who have been in and out of can obert this year:

Until next year x